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Goldman Katz Application for TARP
A modest proposal to the Secretary of the Treasury
2009-07-24 02:32:35 by icanhasbailout

Dear Secretary Geithner,

I am writing to you with regards of the desire of this corporation to participate in the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP). It has come to our attention that there is free money available to qualifying participants. Please allow me to provide some background on our company.

As you can see in Figure 1, we are indeed a 100% geniune Bank holding company.

This photographic evidence also demonstrates that Goldman Katz is well-catipalized and has an ample supply of silver among its holdings.

The unfortunate event which has led to our being in need of assistance is the lack of liquidity. In fact, there was a significant lack of liquidity for some time, which only recently came to a close on the temporary provision of tuna fish and ice cream. But of course these measures cannot be maintained forever.

The board of Goldman Katz can assure you that we are a certain bet to return the money. We have made a number of strategic investments that I am sure you will agree will pay dividends in the near future. (Fig. 2)

The troubled assets in question concern our flagship product, the Collateralized Litterbox Obligation (CLO). Formerly comprising the bulk of our regulatory capital, the aforementioned illiquidity of the market and overly strict accounting rules that rejected our mark-to-sandbox model have given us no recourse but to ask you to borrow from China on our behalf.

Goldman Katz has been a leader in innovative financial products since 2005. Our analysis of risk premia in credit and equity indicates that investment grade cash credit and equities are both attractively valued. You are getting sleepy. On an absolute return basis, equity offers higher returns. On a riskadjusted basis, however, investment grade cash credit looks more attractive.

This pattern holds in both the US and Europe. High-yield looks relatively expensive in both regions given our bleak outlook on defaults and recovery rates. You are getting very sleepy. Clearly we have "the cred". Synthetic high-yield credit in Europe (iTraxx Xover) looks particularly expensive with a negative risk premium, which makes the best available investment option in this economic climate for the wise investor to invest as heavily as possible in our specialized "Commission Churn" portfolio.

The Board of Directors and management of Goldman Katz have long recognized the importance of corporate governance practices that help ensure an environment of effective oversight and strong accountability. As one of our key Business Principles states: "Our assets are in the Cayman Islands."

The Board of Directors has adopted comprehensive corporate governance policies and processes that are designed to safeguard our reputation and protect the interests of our shareholders. (Fig. 4)

We eagerly anticipate receiving your check for $13 billion and we can assure you that every dollar will go to stimulate the economy.

Thank you,

icanhasbailout, Esq.
on behalf of

Alexis Rose Bank
and the Board of Directors
for Goldman Katz

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