Humor
Goldman Katz Application for PPIP
You don't have to say free money twice
2009-07-30 04:04:09
Dear Secretary Geithner,
We are so pleased to be in touch with you once again. Your proposed Public Private Investment Program is just the thing to suit our needs; we would be happy to participate as a seller of toxic assets and securities. Normally we would be hesitant to part with such valuable assets as Collateralized Litterbox Obligations (CLOs) and Catnip Default Swaps (CDS), but with your generous offer to cover 93% of that with wage slave extract, we were persuaded to join your campaign to restore stability to the felincial system.
We think you'll be particularly pleased with the performance of our CLO portfolio, an act of financial wizardry that our Columbia- and Harvard-trained Embez division economists believe contributed significantly to the increase in GDP after the technology crash of 2003.
A CLO operates on a fairly simple principle; although a sand-covered turd in and of itself may have little value, the speculative interest in a large collection of turds could be divided into tranches of varying levels of stink. Since the highest tranche is theoretically made of diamonds, each change of the litter was worth approximately $1.2 million in salary and bonuses, boosting economic activity. An additional side benefit of this arrangement is the use of urine clumps as powerful stores of liquidity.
Our mark-to-sandbox model is the pride of our company. Mark-to-sandbox works like this: by covering turds in sand and thereafter not looking too closely, gold nuggets can appear on the balance sheet, which can then be insured through AIG, used as regulatory capital, and leveraged 30:1.
Although that evil Bair woman prevents us from directly looting the Treasury by bidding on our own assets' according to the mark-to-sandbox model with a 93% first-loss taxpayer backstop, we have it on good intelligence that GK Completely Unrelated Enterprises, Inc. is interested in bidding at four times par for the entire book, so there will be no lack of participation, ensuring the success of PPIP.
Thank you again,
Alexis Rose Bank
for the Board of Directors
of Goldman Katz
