Opinion
New Year 2010 Predictions
how everything will go horribly wrong
2009-12-31 16:20:22
Overview
With an eye towards managing expectations carefully this year, the icanhastarp.com Official Economic Baseline for the calendar year 2010 is: "We're all going to die."
Markets
In terms of market performance, some industries could do quite well under such a scenario. Goldman Sachs is a plus up until their offices are torched by an angry mob of outraged citizens and paupered investors. Government plays this off as "terrorism" until clear pictures of the event get out on the Internet. Domestically, gun and ammunition manufacturers and retailers have a banner year as Obama again clocks over 300 media appearances.
Winners will be picked by the government, so look to the election season for cues. When an historic number of incumbents go down in the primaries, no official acknowledgement will be made but the panderfest will kick up another gear. By the end of the year grassroots insurgents will carve a huge chunk out of one major party or both, so short their favored interests appropriately. Democrats may lose control of the House and if so, austerity budgeting will begin.
Global
In terms of gold and oil, 2010 is as likely as any year for Middle Easterners to go to war with each other. Look for a drop in the price of oil to precede and possibly provoke the event. By the end of 2010 all pretense of withdrawing from Afghanistan will be shattered, and some new reason found to keep our feet in the sinkhole.
Astronomical
On June 13, 2010, Uranus, Jupiter, and Mercury will be lined up on one side of the Sun while Venus, Mars, and Saturn will be lined up on the other side. Earth will be perpendicular to the Sun at this time. This represents a cosmic choosing of sides, with the Earth getting "voted off the island". Gravitic anomalies from the event will eject the Earth along the system center of mass. The Earth gets progressively colder, all life slowly freezes. In the near-instant mass breakdown of civilization and the slaughter that follows, humanity's final words are "stop global warming".
Summary
While it could indeed make investors nervous to contemplate the end of the world as we know it, let alone calculate a fair market price for the last head of fresh lettuce in existence, it is important to remember that life will go on, at least on other planets. The Mayans gave us to 2012 - given the copious practice of human sacrifice, we have strong grounds to have faith in their judgement on the subject.
So in the meantime, speculate away! Uncle Ben has the situation well in hand. There's a football game on and a new season of American Idol is just around the corner!
Position Disclosure: author is long nonsense for the duration of 2010.
